Breaking April Fools' News: Apple to Buy Don't Count Us Out Yet Start-Up for $810 Million
by Don’t Count Us Out Yet senior satire reporter Pheel Terrible
Photo Credit: Bored Apes Yacht Club
At a surprise visit to the world-famous Four Seasons Total Landscaping Company in Philadelphia, Apple CEO Tim Cooked and Don’t Count Us Out Yet founder Craig Gordon announced Apple will form a new division called Apple Crisps. This division will buy the fledging, but innovative, Don’t Count Us Out Yet Substack publication for $810 million, effective April Fools’ day 2022.
“Once again, with my predecessor and founder of Apple, Steve MacJobs, in mind, Apple will be at the forefront of Web 3.0 innovation and leap ahead of all our competitors. Take that, Microhard!” Cooked screamed above the roar of e-Lawn Musk Mowers. “The new Apple Crisps division will be run by re-tooled AI Android Hal, renowned for its successful navigation of the spaceship in 2001: A Space Odyssey. Wait ‘til you see iDog, iFog, iGrog and the other game-changing products that our Apple Crisps division will release over the next few months!”
Cooked was especially pleased that the acquisition will include the 70+ charter member readers who took the risk to subscribe to Don’t Count Us Out Yet for free. Each reader will be given an Apple Crisps astronaut avatar suit to wander in any metaverse they select and buy anything they want with the new Apple Crisptocurrency.
Gordon, known in his 40 business and academic years to be successful in at least one of three attempts, told Cooked, “I’ll trade $810 million in cash for 1,000 newly minted Apple Crisps that built Bored Craig’s Rowboat Club non-fungible tokens.”
“Who knows how much these NFTs will be worth in the next few years with Hal running the Apple Crisps division,” Gordon said. “I’d be foolish to take old-school dollar currency rather than the new NFTs with the way they have appreciated in the past few years. Just ask my FinTech advisor, Matt Damon.”
Don’t Count Us Out Yet founding readers will also be entitled to a cash disbursement of $100,000 each. All they have to do is mail their full credit card information and computer passwords to:
The Don’t Count Us Out Yet Retire Immediately Employees and Family Fund
150 Google Way
Lagos, Nigeria
Cooked asked the founding readers to please allow 30 years for check processing and to enclose a money order for $105,000 each for postage, handling and delivery fees.
As Gordon walked out of the world-famous Four Seasons Philadelphia Landscaping Complex with his companion iDog, Toby, he was overheard saying, “This is a win-win for all of us who took the risk of reading our Web 3.0 material over the past three weeks. Thank God for April Fools’ day.”
A Serious Note:
If you haven’t already, please subscribe to the Don’t Count Us Out Yet publication below for news that is easy to understand in Web 3.0 developments that are affecting your lives now.
Additionally, we will continue to have some satire pieces by our senior reporter Pheel Terrible including one he is working on right now, “Was Kryptonite the First Cryptocurrency?”
As we are in the soft launch phase with all of you, we really would appreciate likes, comments on how to improve or new ideas. It would help us a lot !
Enjoy your April Fools’ Day!
Best,
Craig